Hard conversations mostly go wrong on ordering rather than on content. The eight-step structure is almost entirely about the sequence. ### **What I'm thinking about** 1. **Warn them before you say it** – *"This is going to be a difficult conversation. You are likely going to feel some combination of anger, fear and sadness."* The rationale: "the times when we go into deepest fear and anger are when we are surprised. But if we get a warning that something negative is about to occur, we can mentally prepare just a little bit, and then the surprise and the feelings are not nearly as large." 2. **Punchline first, no lead-up** – State the difficult thing immediately. Building up to it lets the other person start lobbying against a decision that has already been made, which wastes their dignity and your time. 3. **Then keep the explanation short** – Two or three bullets. "At this point, the person listening has likely gone into some version of fear, anger or sadness. Their brain is not fully functioning, so they have a limited capacity to hear and process. **Therefore, keep it short.**" The long careful justification you prepared is for you, not them. 4. **Ask for their reaction and name the likely emotions** – *"I imagine that you are likely feeling anger, fear or sadness. I'd like to know your feelings and thoughts. Are you open to sharing them with me?"* 5. **Make them feel heard without conceding anything** – *"I think I heard you say…. Am I close?"* You do not have to act on any of it. "This will allow the person to let go of some of their harsher feelings. Not entirely. But enough that they likely won't act rashly." ### **So what?** Almost every instinct here is backwards from the default. The default is to soften the opening, build context first, deliver the news gently in the middle, and then explain at length. Each of those makes it worse: the softened opening creates false hope, the context invites negotiation, and the long explanation lands on someone who has stopped processing. Always synchronous — in person, video, or at minimum voice. You need to see how it lands, and they need to be able to react to a human being. Related: [[Making People Feel Heard]] [[Withholding Feedback Is Self-Fulfilling]] [[Firing Well]] [[Repair, Rewind, Redo]] [[Executive Operating System MOC]]