There is a prerequisite to critical feedback that most feedback frameworks skip, and skipping it is why they fail. The asymmetry underneath it: someone who *wilfully* broke a rule and gets called out almost feels relief — you haven't really hurt them. "But if you want to hurt somebody, find someone earnestly trying and chastise them for something they didn't do as you wanted. **You will crush them.**" And nearly everyone around you is trying. ### **What I'm thinking about** 1. **So invert the move** – Point out what they are doing right. "Thank you for doing…" naming a specific action, not a personality trait. *"Thank you for sending out all the board materials one week before the board meeting"* — not *"thank you for being so conscientious."* 2. **Traits can't be repeated deliberately; actions can** – This is why the specificity rule isn't pedantry. "You're reliable" gives someone nothing to do more of. 3. **The threshold is four to eight interactions** – "At some point, maybe after 4-8 interactions of praise, they will build a sense of trust that you genuinely appreciate them and want to be in a lasting relationship with them. **Once that happens, you have the leeway to point out things that you wish they would do differently.**" 4. **And it doesn't stop afterwards** – "But never forget to continue to praise as well." Praise is not a one-time deposit that unlocks a permanent critique facility. 5. **It costs almost nothing** – "These praisings do not have to be lengthy nor in person. You can send a text. It often takes less than one minute to write." Once a week, or once a day. ### **So what?** This is the sequencing constraint that determines whether a feedback system lands as support or as surveillance. Introducing [[Absolute Feedback]] to someone you have never specifically praised will be received as judgment, and that first impression is close to permanent. The related distinction worth keeping straight: **gratitude** is inward, spoken to yourself, and changes your own perception. **Appreciation** is the same content spoken outward. **Praise** is targeted at a specific behaviour and builds the credit this note is about. Related: [[Absolute Feedback]] [[The Five A's of Receiving Feedback]] [[Withholding Feedback Is Self-Fulfilling]] [[The Magic Questions]] [[Executive Operating System MOC]]